You've been married for several years and have small children. Middle-upper class family, 'average' marital issues and some counseling, nothing really out of the norm...  
 
Until you find out that your spouse has had a fling.  
 
Now what?  
 
After weeks of mulling it over, it's best that your spouse find somewhere else to stay while you get your thoughts and feelings together, put things into perspective and make decisions about what is best for yourself and your children.  
 
How do you ever get over something like this?  
 
Is it really possible to ever regain that trust and respect?  
 
What about all of the lies and then after it's all come out, "I'm sorry, but..."?  
 
What if you're uncertain about where you want things to end up?  
 
How do you know what is best for everyone involved (yourself and the kids)? Is it possible to feel confident in your decisions?  
 
Thoughts? Insight?  
 
Thank you.  
 
Edited by Must Have Coffee, 2010-02-03 21:39:39

Luckily I have never been in this position, so I don't know what I would do for sure. But...I don't think I could ever forgive. I'm pretty sure I couldn't. I would never ever trust them when they went out. I would always wonder if they were really where they said they were.  
 
I also wouldn't stay just for the kids. Kids know when there are problems and if the parents are unhappy.  
 
Also, are they sorry they did it or sorry they got caught?  
 
Good Luck

of mine went through the same thing. They stayed together and worked it out, but it was a long process. I don't think she has ever totally trusted him since but I can't say I really blame her. The only thing that I felt bad about was that she would mention his indiscretion in public and it made all of us uncomfortable.  
 
You have a lot of things to work through for yourself, your children and with him. If you both decide that you will go your separate ways, you still need to have a healthy parenting relationship for your children. My only advice would be always take the high road and when it comes to the kids, play fair. They still love their dad and won't really understand all the adult things, nor should they.  
 
Good luck

did not mean to assume it was the man that strayed...simply referred to it that way as it was my friend's husband who had a fling. Women have flings too.

 
can you find it inside to allow yourself to forgive the indiscretion? if yes, seek counselling tomorrow at the counselling centre for yourself, if you are waiting for your partner to make the next move, like on a checker board , without appearing to be vulnerable, he or she may think your passive and choose to exit the relationship out of guilt or not or just for freedom. take time to talk it over calmly , balls in your court.....take your time, this is your time to reflect......on new trusts.  
 
Edited by TheAdvocate, 2010-02-03 21:38:05

30-60% of people in long term relationships admit to have at least 1 affair (those are just the ones that admit it). I don't believe humans are meant to be monogomous, it takes either will power or lack of opportunity to remain faithful long term.  
 
The question is, do you love this person enough to want to stay with them? You will never forget it or completely trust them again, so do the positives in your relationship outweigh that?  
 
Edited by gocougars, 2010-02-03 21:39:34

The scales have tipped?  
 
What if you were unsure about the goods and the bads a long time ago? What if, at the time, you decided that the goods outweighed the bad and that this marriage/person was worth it, only to find out...that it was only worth it to you??  
 
What do you do when they swear up and down that it was "nothing...nothing but friendship"??  
 
Edited by Must Have Coffee, 2010-02-03 21:54:42

You cheat... you are done with ne.  
You do not respect me.  
You do not care for my feelings.  
You do not respect yourself.  
You do not love me.  
you........ are gone.  
 
End of story.  
 
 
 
Edited by ChrisV, 2010-02-03 21:55:56

by the sounds of your last post that you already know the answer, its just a matter of finding the courage to follow through. I guess my thoughts on it are this: if you don't have trust within a marriage what do you have? I don't believe you can fully love someone you don't trust. However, I also believe that you owe it to your children to turn over every possible stone to save the marriage. Save the marriage, not settle on the marriage. Don't stay in the marriage just for the kids, because what happens when they grow up and move out? I am sure with time you will make the right decision and find the courage to live the decision.  
 
All the best.

...sounds like someone's been taking someone for granted for a long time and it sounds also like someones been in their "comfort zone" for a long time on earnest trust and has now been exposed to find that the finer objections of the relationship were always within.  
 
...not entirely an expert in the circumstance however I was the third party, in retrospect,  
I feel that I should have been first to recieve gentleness and patience, my siblings and I were the last to know and never did quite know where to place blame , as the parents we had , did so often....so it is my life changed the day they could no longer talk.....  
 
 
 
Edited by TheAdvocate, 2010-02-03 22:17:24

ChrisV said "You cheat... you are done with ne.   You do not respect me.   You do not care for my feelings.   You do not respect yourself.   You do not love me.   you........ are gone.     End of story.         Edited by ChrisV, 2010-02-03 21:55:56"

it takes effort a time to regain trust and get over a fling.....  
 
but it takes greater effort for it to never happen in the first place.  
 
been in both situations and i pick the later.

Once your married, there has to be a reason that someone cheats even if it is for selfish reasons. Cheating requires thought. A person who is committed to be faithful won't cheat no matter what is presented to them. Some people look for attention if they feel they are lacking it at home. Some blame the "drunk" game. Some have already been open for encounters since before marriage. It is a very long hard road to work it out and at the end, it may happen again. Kissing *ss is the first thing a spouse does and the victim may feel the need to monitor and restrain the other from doing it again. This is also bad for a relationship. Lack of trust runs very deep for the committed person. You can't keep the spouse at home 24-7 nor should you rummage through her personal things or e-mails unless you want it to end. You may find things that are disturbing which makes it worse. I know a married couple whose spouse is a total slut on plenty of fish. Makes me sick. It's hard with kids. At the end, the better the parent and housing situation the better chance of keeping the kids. I was a victim now a survivor. I kept my kids. Good luck with you.

always agree on this subject. If you cheat there is something totally wrong with the relationship and you are looking for an excuse to leave. We laid out those ground rules in the beginging. Not to say that if he cheated on me I wouldn't be torn. I love him with all my heart. It would be hard to kick him out

Counseling for you and your spouse is my suggestion. Only you know what is right for you and your relationship.

When you've broken the vows you've broken the marriage. When a marriage is maintained past an affair for whatever reason the damage will always show one way or another.

I would never be able to trust my spouse again. And I believe you can't have a marraige without trust.

I packed up and left and never looked back.  
If you stay, then that is up to you but do you want to live with that between you for the rest of your lives because I don't believe it will ever go away, no matter how much counselling etc. I wish you well.

As someone else said. You answered your own question with yout last post!!!  
 
"Nothing but freindship!" I heard that one before, I just found out they are now an item That story is usually a total load of crap! Usually "friendships" don't need to be kept secret. They can swear to it all they want, they usally do, but it's Bull and you must know it!

were a couple that decieded to work it out, dad cheated on mom but it was just messing around. (really no differance) any way as the years went on mom grew very recentful of dad, to the point that she stopped cooking meals for him. Dad ended up leaving her because she had turned into this hateful woman who never trusted him and did everything she could to make him pay.  
Best of luck

... your name should be made public and posted for everyone to know, same thing goes for perverts and child molesters/ abusers.  
 
If you ever think of cheating, you should end your relationship, move out and move on, instead of ruining somebody else's life and not to mention the kids' if any involved.

one i hope i never have to make. I think i would try to weigh pros and cons. would you trust him/her any more than another future partner? Is it worth dropping the past few years of marriage over a major screw up? I would also try to think if there is anything I could have done that may have started disconnecting our marriage (realistically, but don't blame yourself as it is still the spouses decision to follow though). Is there repentance/regret? I would definitely go for counseling! I have seen both sides. the side who worked it out and the sides who weren't able to. Both very justifiable reasons for making that choice!  
 
one thing for sure, I would be very slow to make a decision either way to make sure there is no resentment or regret towards each other! Good luck!

As a person who has been on the receiving end several times by girlfriends and my ex-wife, I will put my thoughts forward in response to the previous post..  
 
I think i would try to weigh pros and cons. would you trust him/her any more than another future partner?  
 
This is a tough one. They cheated for whatever reason and it definitely was not because of lack of love or intimacy. In fact, when they were cheating, they wanted less affection and sex from me. I found it very difficult to trust someone, especially when they did it simply to be with someone else while still claimng to "be in love" with me and swearing they were faithful. Oh, and they also accused me of cheating (which I did once, and only once, in retaliation). Trust went out the window as soon as they were caught and they went out the door.  
 
Is it worth dropping the past few years of marriage over a major screw up?  
 
Yes, as opposed to many years of never being sure and  
always wondering why. Also, you would always be suspicious of them which is never healthy for a relationship.  
 
I would also try to think if there is anything I could have done that may have started disconnecting our marriage (realistically, but don't blame yourself as it is still the spouses decision to follow though).  
 
No, the only way it could have been my fault would be if I was neglectful. After 15 years, my wife still gets enough attention from me to keep her happy most of the time. If she wanted sex outside our marriage there is no way I would blame myself, it would be totally her decision and her "fault".  
 
Is there repentance/regret?  
 
Only when they got caught. Some of them even had the nerve to deny it even with absolute proof in front of them or caught red-handed. The only thing they regretted was failing to cover up the evidence or getting treatment for the STI they contracted. (I have never had an STI)  
 
I would definitely go for counseling! I have seen both sides. the side who worked it out and the sides who weren't able to. Both very justifiable reasons for making that choice!  
 
I have broken off with women I had been with for 2 years or more for their choice to cheat. And every time I have met someone else to be in a relationship with. So, unless you honestly believe that there is no-one else in the world for you, breaking off is probably best in MOST cases. I don't think I could ever stay with someone who did this, no matter how much I cared for them. I tried to work through it with my ex-wife because we were married and had children... but in the end, she didn't care enough for me and the children to "change her ways". Counselling may have helped me to accept and get over it quicker, but it definitely would not have "saved" our marriage.  
 
Edited by ChrisV, 2010-02-04 17:52:57

 
 
Edited by Legendary, 2010-02-04 18:54:24

would be nice to hear the other side of this story. We have only heard half of it, before we pass judgement should we not need all the facts.

Like the other one wasn't so nice ? maybe the spouse thought they grew apart, it doesn't matter what the other side is. There is no excuse for cheating. The person is looking for a reason to leave and that is the easiest way. I will cheat and it will end.

If they cheated, they probably felt justified in doing so. No one does it for no reason. There is always a reason, whether it is true or not. I would suggest a counsler for sure. Also, there is a fabulous website where people on all 3 ends (cheater, cheatie, and 3rd party) go to figure out why, can they fix, etc.  
http://marriagebuilders.com/  
 
Helped me imensly in my situation. It really wakes you up and makes you realize the truth was in front of you all along. you just chose not to see it...

Gotta go with ChrisV on this  
 

All I can say about this, is that this has happened to me and well I was with the person for 7 years and 3 kids later, he has the nerve to go and do something like that and it seems like purposly get caught and then he has the nerve to try cry around and have me take him back. Well I have done it once, maybe twice, but a third time he was a goner! You lose the feelings you once had for the person who has had the FLING. I can admit that I strayed once. I have a problem now with trust and a insecure feeling because of the guy. With the kids, the way we worked it out is he gets the every other night to sleep over and I will have them on the weeknds because I do work. So in that I dont think things are ever the same after a FLING has occured!

"Those girls got what they deserved for cheating on me.  
I only cheated once and that was in retaliation."  
Hahaha priceless!!! Cheating is,cheating oh great and many posts sage.  
Reading between the lines maybe some and I said some, post to fill up the boards out of boredom.  
Let's hear from the otherside, I'd suspect in alot of cases....not all, the person with the bruised ego, can't look down far enough from their lofty peak to see maybe just maybe they're not all they're cracked up to be and may have played a role in said break up.  
It's happened to me, I bitched and moaned about my indignities and it took a long time, maybe in a reflective moment years later to see that perhaps it wasn't black & white and I did play a part however small or large.  
Out of retaliation I am guilty too but I'm not claiming they did it first so it didn't count, cheatings cheating hahaha.  
Anybody unfamiliar with inet discussion groups a large post count doesn't always mean a person knows what the hell they're talking about, it's an opinion and they're like -fill in the blanks- Everyone has one.  
Some comments get made with out both sides being presented, judging by some comments me thinks there's more to their story.  
Stay or Go??? couldn't say, you'd have to know the situation. I think it could work out but that would depend on both now wouldn't it? So no END of Story, don't think so, if it's worth it to both parties there's a chance, can't imagine it will be quick or easy and it maybe repaired but it will never be the same...innocence lost....blah blah blah.  
There you go my opinion...and I bumped up my post count...and I'm invunerable to flaming so my feelings won't get hurt if I've angered or offended anyone.

...whether to stay and try and work it out or to move on. Only you can make that decision. If he isn't remorseful and is still claiming that they are only friends then you don't have much to rebuild on. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It such a devastating thing and not your fault.  
 
I just wanted to give you a link that you might find helpful.  
 
www.survivinginfidelity.com